In a move that somehow managed to confuse both math phobics and political junkies, Assemblymember Zohran Mamdani has allegedly “made Arabic numerical compulsory” in schools, offices, and anywhere calculators fear to tread.
The announcement triggered a wave of online outrage, as thousands of people rushed to social media to bravely declare they would “never use foreign numbers” — while typing furious comments using the digits 0 to 9.
“This is unacceptable,” wrote one user. “From today, I refuse to use Arabic numerals. I will only use normal numbers like 1, 2, and 3.”
Experts tried to intervene, explaining that Arabic numerals are literally the numbers everyone has been using for centuries. Their attempts were quickly ignored, because facts are famously bad for engagement.
A confused press conference was held where one reporter demanded: “So what will happen if we don’t accept these Arabic numericals?” Mamdani allegedly replied, “You already did. On your phone. On your mic. On your Uber receipt. On your last three angry tweets.”
To illustrate the point, staffers held up a big poster labeled: “SCARY ARABIC NUMERICALS” with the following line underneath: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9. Several attendees gasped, then slowly realized that was also their bank PIN.
Schools have reportedly started preparing for the “new” curriculum by doing absolutely nothing, because—controversial revelation—this is already what they teach: counting, basic arithmetic, and the occasional existential crisis during exams.
One math teacher, exhausted but amused, commented: “If this law gets me more students actually paying attention in class, I’ll personally write ‘Thank you, Zohran’ 100 times… in Arabic numerals, obviously.”
In response to the chaos, a proposed follow-up bill is rumored: “Compulsory Realization That Arabic Numerals Are Just Normal Numbers Act.” Sources confirm it has bipartisan support among people who passed primary school.
Until then, citizens are urged to remain calm, check their phone screens, and gently accept the shocking truth: Arabic numerals have been compulsory in their lives long before they were mad about it.